I feel I should be frank and honest with you guys, since I've been such an unreliable mess the past few years.
So I realize many people aren't even aware I exist anymore and it seems like I don't care about my watchers or my art. I'm pretty damn sad that it's gotten to that point, but it is entirely my fault.
I want to explain that essentially I have lost all love of art, but with that I've lost all love of doing anything in life. I've been struggling with moderate to severe clinical depression for the last 2 to 3 years, and I'm engaged to someone that has even more severe depression than myself. It's never a diagnosis I took seriously since everyone and their dog seems to be depressed. Even though I have a psychology degree, I never really thought to look for it in myself. I didn't really realize that there was a difference between situational depression and clinical depression.
When people talk about depression I immediately think of self diagnosed whiny teenagers going through a hormonal spat. I'm almost 23 though and I've come to the realization that I'm genuinely sick and I can't let my apathy for life continue anymore. It hurts when I realize I may have ruined my chances to get into grad school, and that I may have been a much more talented and accomplished artist right now if I hadn't let my abilities stagnate and rot away. I'm angry with myself for giving into the depression, but at the same time the depression is so efficient at making me not care enough to do anything to fix it.
Sometimes I would have a week or maybe even a month where I felt normal again and I'd come back here and do art and play videogames, get good grades and go out and live life. But then I'd become exhausted and withdraw from everything again for months, I'd become avoidant of deviantart because I felt I was letting people down once I'd lost the drive to do things again. It just made me seem flakier and even more unreliable.
None of this is an excuse and I'm not asking for advice or pity. I know a lot about depression, I know how to treat it, I know what it's doing to my life. I keep telling myself I want to fix it and sometimes I manage to for a little while. I just want you to know why I've sucked so much for so long and I want you to know that I value each and every one of you, especially my close friends that I have basically abandoned on here.
I want to do what I can to get better and become an active artist again. I still want to improve and I don't want to let this ability go to waste because I know I could become something if I tried. I just have to find the motivation and ability to see someone and get better. And until then I may continue to be a flaky mess, and I just want to apologize for that.